Uh-Oh!


So the Russians reckon they have found UK diplomats listening to subversive rocks. Mmm! Sounds interesting. So what's the general idea? It goes like this: Someone - allegedly a member of a Russian NGO (non-governmental organisation) - leaves a transmitter in a fake rock on the Russian streets then a diplomat passes with his Palm top device and downloads what? Noises of feet on tarmac, Russian street cleaners farting after a night on the turnips? Snippets of chit chat Russian style "Hey Boris, I see Borscht is big news in London these days. Though here at the Kremlin they have the taste of Brown Windsor." "Da, and did you know that there are great deals at Harvey Nichols in the January sales." This of course would be some sort of highly secretive code.


Sure, it makes so much sense of course in these days of advanced technolgy, ultra high frequency microwave transmissions, mobile communications and the internet with its Trojan horses, piggy-backing and the vast number of ways of cloaking and encrypting information, that spies would resort instead to picking up their information in full public view in dark vans with tinted windows and listening devices and guys in dark glasses dressed in black talking in thick accents. "I say, it's a lovely day, let's not stay cooped up in this office gathering our information through high powered electronic devices. Let's take our Palm tops down into the street."
You can't help but wonder what Hollywood script they're working from. Any moment now you can expect to hear that Governor Schwarznegger has suddenly swept into the scene, complete with dodgy accent and his well worn acting ability, Uzi in hand to single-handedly wipe out the Kremlin, half the Russian army and battle the evil Cossack forces whilst dangling from an attack helicopter in Red Square.

Meanwhile in some Budapest Hotel, James Bond will be propping up the bar waiting for a signal from Q to get involved, chewing the unlit end of an empty cigarette holder - since he seems to have quit - whilst sipping his third Vodka and Yakult - whisked not blended - whilst checking the rubbber band on his Tony Blair approved environmentally sound catapult. I don't think so. Come on Vladimir. What's the deal here? Razzing up your people to distrust the west again it looks like? If not, well what then. Something's going on. It all smacks of KGB sledgehammer PR. Hey spies, here's an idea; Why not try putting a microdot into a news paper and using a rubbish bin as a sort of... well what should we call it... a dead letter box. "Come and get it, Burberry macs and trilbys making a come back, come and get it!..."