They've just developed - they being The Tea Research Association in India - a biscuit that has the taste of a cup of tea with a biscuit dunked in it. What a cracking idea. It'll save me getting my butler to do it. All that effort of having to say "Perkins, just dunk my Rich Tea for me will you... NOT TOO SOGGY! That's it." At last I can be the true couch potato. Of course potatoes are now very easy to do. For a quick tasty mashed potato, you just pop down to your local supermarket, buy their ready made, heat and serve. What could be simpler. It was such a complicated thing, peeling, boiling then mashing.
What I really like is a good Yorkshire pud. Here's a simple recipe for the best Yorkshire pud money can buy. Pop your coat on and grab your car keys. When you've done that, get into your off-road Mercedes 4x4 - which you use for shopping and coffee mornings and taking the kids to the door of their school - and start it (allow to idle for a few seconds, tune radio, dial number on mobile phone for needless conversation with Tracy at her nail boutique). Then drive to your local supermarket - ignoring other drivers and nearly causing half a dozen accidents because you can't yet judge the size of your vehicle.
When you reach the supermarket, take care to park in the disabled bay even though you're not disabled. This will save you time and annoy a satisfying number of people. Stride purposefully into the supermarket brushing heavily past some old-aged pensioner so that they nearly fall over. Do a contrived flick of your long Nicky Clarke hair and pretend you didn't notice. Grab a basket from one of the checkout lines - as the supermarket will not have got around to piling them at the door yet. Go to the frozen section and look for the frozen Yorkshire puddings. If there's only one bag left make sure you grab it first before that overburdened woman with a full trolley carrying a baby and with two other children screaming at the tops of their lungs. Excellent. Head for the check out.
When in the queue, make a point of standing very close to the person in front so that they feel intimidated and when they have filled the coveyor with their shopping, make a point of trying to get your bag of Yorkshires on to the conveyor even though there isn't room to stand a penny sideways. Try to be as impatient as possible. Always at this point, look over the shoulder of the person in front of you at their progress. Try to glare. It wont make things go any faster but you'll think it will and it'll annoy the heck out of them! Finally, don't start looking for your money until you really have to. This makes things go nice and slowly and adds to the growing tension. Once you have paid for your item, having been as rude and dismissive as possible to the lowly check out assistant (who doesn't have a 4x4 like you and lives in a council flat with a cat and an overweight husband who works for a DIY store) return to your car.
By now there might be an attendant in a peaked cap standing there who will take you to task about your parking. This is okay. Just say you had no idea and say, "Look I'm late, I have Simon Cowell coming for supper, must fly..." Get into your car even though the attendant might still be talking at you and drive away.
If there are two lanes exiting the car park, one to go left and one to go right, position yourself in the middle until you have decided which way you plan to leave or do it even if you have decided, it'll annoy the shit out of everyone else. When you arrive back at your Barratt executive home set near a fashionable Cheshire village, open bag and place puddings on tray in hot oven, by which time your husband - home from his day of share dealing and trading of pork bellys will be too bored with wating for his supper and take you out to Marios where dinner will cost a paltry sum, say enough to put the kids through college - and voila! Dinner is served.
