Glorified former pizza boy turned millionaire Tom Monaghan, founder of Domino's Pizza, not content with clogging the arteries of millions of his customers, now plans to set up a town, situated on former vegetable farms 90 miles nortwest of Miami in Florida based on strict Catholic principles. Such is the way of megalomaniacal self-made men who, having made their deep crust (sorry), suddenly want to dictate their personal philosophy to the already converted in home made principalities walled in and away from the real world for fear of contamination. It is the best way to control things I suppose but a bit predictable.


It promises to be a fun place with no abortions, no pornography, no contraceptives. So much for the land of the free! Sounds like a town without pity. Sounds like one man's beliefs imposed on willing victims. And in keeping with old style religion, you can bet your life, they will be spreading the hypocrisy thicker than tomato paste on a deep pan, cheese crust, four seasons. No x-rated channels on their cable TV network either. Wall to wall bible prayer and smiling, laymen of benign appearance spreading the word of god and a lot of schmaltz. Plus there'll be plenty of Pizza (hallelujah) and 100 foot high oratory. Praise the Pizza!


The town is to be called "Ave Maria". Wouldn't "Fuck Me" have been more appropriate. It's the name outsiders will use more than any other and easy to remember. The town it is said, will hold up to 30,000 people, most of whom will probably religious zealots and big pizza fans. Well good to know they will all be coralled in one spot. You can expect blessings such as, "In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, do you want fries with that, go large for 50 cents more. We deliver. Amen"


I wonder, will it have a weekly burning at the stake, a ducking stool and a team of inquisitors to weed out the undesireables. How will Horatio Caine get on with the local elders when he investigates the mutilation of a disbeliever in CSI Miami. Yes I know it's fictional but suspend your serious side for a moment. Perhaps there will be an honor system. All residents must wear the Elmer Fud baseball hat when out. Their shirts will carry honors on their breast pockets. One Virgin Mary for good, two if your very good, three if you're extrememly worthy and pray a lot, four if you're good and convert a sinner and five if you blow the gaff on a non believer who gets burned at the stake. As you move up the hierarchy, this changes to first one crusifix (i.e. equal to five Virgin Marys etc.)and so on.


So just how will people spend their days? Sex is out, movies will be tame, food will be pizza. Well there's always prayer in the all new oratory (No doubt Cherie Blair will be at the opening in her lace mantilla. For her they'll have a wafer the shape and size of a Hot Pocket which she'll consume sideways). There'll be a full days order of service, with prayer that God, (that's a catholic God mind you, not a Jewish one or Muslim one) god will smite down all enemies, the wrong doers and those who fornicate (which of course you must do if you're going to procreate, only as long as you don't enjoy and use it as recreation, it's fine) Then there's all that fun to be had hissing through gritted teeth at unmarried mothers and children who innocently let others see their pee pees, accidentally at school. Damning them for all time works a treat and is a great boost to original sin. Touching of course will be strictly forbidden unless accompanied by at least three priests, a matron aunt in black weeds, a bottle of holy water and a picture of Mel Gibson. Of course molestation by the clergy will be allowed to continue as usual. And hell... oops sorry, heck, you can always pop out for a pizza and nice cold glass of buttermilk (beer will be banned no doubt.'tis the devils brew!) Well it all sounds peachey to me. Frankly though, I'd rather spend a wet weekend in Blackpool and broke, than an hour in the Florida sunshine with this lot. A word of advice to the planners. Build a two lane highway entering the town... and a four lane highway exiting the town, so that those who want to, can leave in a hurry.