"It's fantastic. I don't know what to say. It's all just so incredible I... I... I just don't know what to say (Give me a minute) - sniff - I really didn't expect this award (Well I did, at least I thought I might get it, I was bloody good)and there are so many people I want to thank (Yeah right! But mainly me as I was sooo good, I mean, just how good was the director) Oh it's all been so unexpected (but geeze it's going to bump up the money. Yeah baby Yeah!) - sniff - and when you think where I was this time last year (...with barely a BAFTA to my name, and look at me now) I just can't believe my luck, (luck pah, I slept with half the Academy to ensure I dated this little gold guy, who by the way would look very good in a thong) I just hope my mom and dad are watching (yeah after the hell you put me through with that brace you bastards and don't think you're getting a penny from me.) and my maths teacher at school - giggle - who always said I'd make it - sniff (yeah in fact that's just the line he used to get me beteween the sheets, flattering my innocent ego, the bastard, well who's laughing now Billy Jo Bob) Thank you also to my voice coach was such a big help with his advice and encouragement (and he was right, regular sperm really does help the vocal chords) But most of all I want to thank my husband Hank for being so supportive - sniff - and patient - sniff - and always being there for me when I had doubts (who I'm going to divorce as soon as I can, for being off with that little teen slut he's been jumpin' while I was on location in the goddamn Mojave dessert eating dust for dinner, at least I will once I get Clooney handcuffed to the bed post) Thank you, thank you again, I love you all. (What a crock! In fact I couldn't give a damn what happens to any of them, just gimme the money, then it's off to the parties, yeehaaah!)

Ho Chi Minh look-a-like, Gary "The Tongue" Glitter now presents the figure of a raddled, dirty old man - he may even be diseased - when you see the current crop of photos of this one time pop idol. You have to wonder just what he got up to for all those years when the teenies saw him as a Music God and hung around his dressing room door. Young girls must have been throwing themselves at his feet; he must have been like a kid in a candy store. But even then, close up, you could see cracks through the make up and fright wig, that he wasn't what he appeared to be. Of course having ceased being that ludicrous, platform heeled, scaffolding shouldered glitter queen in bufont hair and outrageous kit, it's easier to see the real Paul Gadd, though he still likes to adorn himself with idiotic embellishments.
But we all loved him then. He was a survivor. He'd been through bankruptcy and come out the other side to rebuild his career and we cheered him on. He had it all going for him.


Meanwhile his sinister obsession lay hidden. What a chump to throw away his life and all he had for a sordid obsession he clearly couldn't and can't control. As if things weren't bad enough for him in the UK, he then goes and throws it all away again, first in Cuba, then Thailand and now Vietnam where sporting a ridiculous grey goatee beard and neck tuft with his eyebrows painted in, he stands ranting at the court that he's been fitted up by the British press. Well they may well have fitted him up but the person who fitted up Gary Glitter most, was Gary Glitter himself!

He could have lived in relative obscurity in any of those countries he fled to but for his lusting after pre-pubescent girls and there was more than enough eye witness evidence to confirm this. Now he just looks like a sad and somewhat demented old letch, a dangerous man you wouldn't want baby sitting your granny never mind your children. What makes it all the more apalling is his apparent disregard for his own dignity. Spitting fire and protest over his supposed innocence (having already back-handed his victims to drop charges of rape)leaves him looking more guilty by the hour. And when after deportation he returns to the UK in a couple of years time, he will no doubt have more music to face and it won't be as leader of the gang, but as a pariah in the community that once adored him. Sad!

Glorified former pizza boy turned millionaire Tom Monaghan, founder of Domino's Pizza, not content with clogging the arteries of millions of his customers, now plans to set up a town, situated on former vegetable farms 90 miles nortwest of Miami in Florida based on strict Catholic principles. Such is the way of megalomaniacal self-made men who, having made their deep crust (sorry), suddenly want to dictate their personal philosophy to the already converted in home made principalities walled in and away from the real world for fear of contamination. It is the best way to control things I suppose but a bit predictable.


It promises to be a fun place with no abortions, no pornography, no contraceptives. So much for the land of the free! Sounds like a town without pity. Sounds like one man's beliefs imposed on willing victims. And in keeping with old style religion, you can bet your life, they will be spreading the hypocrisy thicker than tomato paste on a deep pan, cheese crust, four seasons. No x-rated channels on their cable TV network either. Wall to wall bible prayer and smiling, laymen of benign appearance spreading the word of god and a lot of schmaltz. Plus there'll be plenty of Pizza (hallelujah) and 100 foot high oratory. Praise the Pizza!


The town is to be called "Ave Maria". Wouldn't "Fuck Me" have been more appropriate. It's the name outsiders will use more than any other and easy to remember. The town it is said, will hold up to 30,000 people, most of whom will probably religious zealots and big pizza fans. Well good to know they will all be coralled in one spot. You can expect blessings such as, "In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti, do you want fries with that, go large for 50 cents more. We deliver. Amen"


I wonder, will it have a weekly burning at the stake, a ducking stool and a team of inquisitors to weed out the undesireables. How will Horatio Caine get on with the local elders when he investigates the mutilation of a disbeliever in CSI Miami. Yes I know it's fictional but suspend your serious side for a moment. Perhaps there will be an honor system. All residents must wear the Elmer Fud baseball hat when out. Their shirts will carry honors on their breast pockets. One Virgin Mary for good, two if your very good, three if you're extrememly worthy and pray a lot, four if you're good and convert a sinner and five if you blow the gaff on a non believer who gets burned at the stake. As you move up the hierarchy, this changes to first one crusifix (i.e. equal to five Virgin Marys etc.)and so on.


So just how will people spend their days? Sex is out, movies will be tame, food will be pizza. Well there's always prayer in the all new oratory (No doubt Cherie Blair will be at the opening in her lace mantilla. For her they'll have a wafer the shape and size of a Hot Pocket which she'll consume sideways). There'll be a full days order of service, with prayer that God, (that's a catholic God mind you, not a Jewish one or Muslim one) god will smite down all enemies, the wrong doers and those who fornicate (which of course you must do if you're going to procreate, only as long as you don't enjoy and use it as recreation, it's fine) Then there's all that fun to be had hissing through gritted teeth at unmarried mothers and children who innocently let others see their pee pees, accidentally at school. Damning them for all time works a treat and is a great boost to original sin. Touching of course will be strictly forbidden unless accompanied by at least three priests, a matron aunt in black weeds, a bottle of holy water and a picture of Mel Gibson. Of course molestation by the clergy will be allowed to continue as usual. And hell... oops sorry, heck, you can always pop out for a pizza and nice cold glass of buttermilk (beer will be banned no doubt.'tis the devils brew!) Well it all sounds peachey to me. Frankly though, I'd rather spend a wet weekend in Blackpool and broke, than an hour in the Florida sunshine with this lot. A word of advice to the planners. Build a two lane highway entering the town... and a four lane highway exiting the town, so that those who want to, can leave in a hurry.

The Power Inquiry, chaired by Baroness Helena Kennedy are using emotive phrases like Politics in Danger of Meltdown! - to push for radical changes to the politics of this country?


This is just the same hyped fear mongering they used over Iraq to get public opinion on their side. Are they suggesting then that democracy is in danger? Well adjustments are a good idea and politics can always be improved in this land but giving 16 year olds the vote? Come on mate! What are these loonies thinking? Of all the 16 year olds, how many of them will have a true sense of what is right and what is wrong rather than an idealistic vision based on what they want, rather than what we need. This would be as measured a judgement as would be a decision to put handles on the inside of cups to stop them being broken.
The government is talking of raising the age limit on the purchase of cigarettes. How then can they even think of lowering the age on something much more dangerous. Giving 16 year olds the vote is like putting a loaded gun in the hands of a child. If however, they do lower the voting age - also the age at which they can become an MP - they should then consider doing something about the spiralling motor insurance rates. Reduce the bias and agree that teenagers are more responsible than we give them credit for. Can you see insurance companies going for that based on historical records. Surely then they should also lower the age at which teenagers can drive too... to 16. In which case, the age of consensual homosexuality should also be lowered to 16, with the heterosexual age limit for sexual intercourse being lowered to say 14. The drinking age should then be lowered to allow 16 year old sixth formers to pop down the pub. Alter too the age limits on adult and horror films. A younger age group must therefore be less affected than we once thought they would be by violent or sexually explicit films.

No you have to ask, what half baked group of politically correct lefty loonies thought up the idea to lower the voting age. It can only be a group that would see themselves as the main beneficiaries of such a change. A body that would welcome the idealistic voting from a vast body of ill informed, emotional, hormonal immature adults. The New (old) Labour Party. Well who else!

Lantern jawed warbler George Michael was taken into custody last night when discovered, out of his box and slumped over the wheel of his Morris Minor at Hyde Park Corner. The police arrested him for being incapable of driving, then miraculously, un-arrested him after he'd been examined by a police surgeon. So presumably he wasn't out of his skull on booze or drugs, just grabbing a nap perhaps. But no, wait. Mmmm I see. So he was slumped over the wheel when a member of the public called the police but by the time he got to the cop shop, he was fine. Mmmm. So... Just a matter of the drugs then? No wait, I'm confused.


So he was slumped... slumped, yes slumped... Curious. Why would a completely sober detoxified driver be slumped over the wheel of his car? The first question we have to ask is, was the seat pushed way back and was there another person in the car with Michael, say... a hunky guy in a cop uniform for example? That could explain why he was "Slumped" over the wheel. It might have looked like he was "Slumped" from a distance. Particularly if he was sitting in said person's lap. However if that wasn't the case, and he was alone, was he slumped over his wheel asleep? Logical. You're a famous, easily recogniseable rock star and suddenly, you feel very tired. The ideal place to get a quiet kip is.... behind the wheel of your car at Hyde Park Corner where hardly anyone would notice you "Slumped" over the wheel of your car. Of course. Simple! Why, that has to be it. And therefore logically the police making the wrong assumption arrest you then realising what silly boys they've been, de-arrest you. Makes sense. Then it's just a matter of the class C drugs they found in Michael's possession?


What to do then. Un-de-arrest him then presumeably. Well you'd expect them to arrest him for that. Anyway, it's a jolly good start to Michael's retirement from public view, a much more behind the scenes affair planned for his future life. Should work a treat on that basis George. The trouble with addiction though George, it's very hard to break and for someone used to being George Michael, it's going to be very difficult to turn into Joe Soap! Even if the press and the fans were to let that be the case... which they wont luv! Still, good luck with it!