It seems incredible that I would say this but "I wouldn't want Brigitte Bardot sitting on my face!" Well she is 71 and there are limitations. People do go off no matter how stunning they were and Brigitte was stunning.
I'm not that much of a catch myself any more and sadly Bardot's a bit of a fruit loop these days too. One get's the impression that a life of men hovvering around you with little on their minds but carnal gratification would naturally lead to cutting yourself off and preferring to devote the rest of your life to dumb animals who only want one thing, food!

Of course there is a long list of women I wouldn't want sitting on my face. Jade Goody for one, Monika Lewinsky (well used goods) and anyone stout. Recent joggers are off the menu, dancers, just off stage and lady weightlifters - wrestlers too.
Actually, having someone sit on your face is an acquired taste, like Escargots or Oysters. Now in fact, I like Escargots but not Oysters that much. Moules I really love but then they are cooked. I'm just not that keen on having something live sliding down my throat which brings me back to Brigitte. She was the all time sex kitten. Time has turned her - as it does all of us - into a mangy old pussy with a bit of an attitude. If you'll forgive me, I really wouldn't want to plunge my face into a well worn saddle bag full of long dead Escargots. Great memories are worth keeping great.



Brigitte Bardot, then and now

You have to wonder at the repressed nature of some Americans when you hear of a six year old boy being suspended from school in Brocton Massachusetts for sexual harrassment.
The boy allegedly stuck two fingers inside a classmate's waistband apparently after the girl had 'touched' him. Just what messages are adults sending to kids when they overreact like this? What will be his understanding of this reprimand? What will it say to him about affection or being physically close?

Kids should be able to touch each other without fear of reprimand particularly when they are young. They should be able to hold hands (as they used to in the playgrounds in my day) and they should, above all, be able to hug each other without fear of embarrassment or some prim spinster or religious nut screaming hell and damnation at them.

It's the only way they can learn to love, to appreciate each other and be human. Without that you end up with the coldness of isolation which can only lead to more complex problems in later life. You only have to look at the areas of the world where such repression exists to see what can happen.

It could only happen in America.
We thought thieves who stole a Henry Moore Bronze statue had to be a bit off the wall as the thing weighed over a ton. But in Memphis, Tennessee, thieves stole an entire rock climbing wall weighing in at 2700 kilos. Just imagine the logistics of that!

First of all, it's not a one man job. One guy in a hooped sweater and face mask isn't going to carry this off. It's going to take a crew of guys and frankly I reckon that the hooped sweaters and masks en masse will give them away sooner or later.
Secondly, it's going to require a hell of a big swag bag. The letters themselves will be at least six feet tall not to mention the size of the bag - though you'd have to know what you were looking for before it dawned on you what was happening. "Say Doris, does that say SWAG?"

I mean, it's not the sort of thing that happens on a day to day basis. Also, how do you fence a thing like a climbing wall. Surely you don't just hawk it round bars, "Psst! Say buddy, want to buy a climbing wall going cheap? We can deliver." And who came up with the idea? "Look Chuck I've got this great idea. Let's nick that climbing wall.

The good news is that it was recovered though what the thieves thought they would do with it is mystifying.

"Intimate kissing of many different partners can quadruple a teenager's risk of meningitis, a study has found."(BBC) Yeah, well that's always been the case. This is nothing new. However, what this needs is a pamphlet to make teenagers aware, to curb their ardour, to steady their buffs, to cool their lust. At the same time it could cover the evils of smoking and drinking and bad behaviour, too many burgers, farting in public, yawing near pigeons, the scourge of flared trousers.
The title of the pamphlet should be something like... "For Teenagers - More Advice You Can Ignore". Do they really think they'll slow the march of ubiquitous teen hormones by telling them that there is a higher risk of Meningitis from kissing? Clearly they do. But this is all based on serious research. By 'multiple partners' they mean seven plus a month. In other words, should a young lady find herself the mascot of a seven aside football team, she should stop when she gets to number six. Cut out the goalie perhaps. Or should a guy find himself in a similar situation he should... well he should be careful he doesn't drop the soap in the communal shower... if it's that kind of team. If that isn't an issue and right up his street, he should restrict himself to the first half dozen and keep one as spare. This will of course open up a whole new commercial area.

Do you play tongue hockey 'Big Time'? Do you kiss more than seven people a month? Is your tongue wrapped around seven sets of tonsils between pay cheques. If the answer is yes, then you need 'Head Condoms'. Yes Head Condoms fit completely over your head with a special mouth section that fits comfortably into the mouth and provides a spacious accessible area for invasive third party tongues. They come in three super flavours. For him they come in perfect peach, sexy strawberry and ready salted, for her they come in chilled beer, smooth chocolate and familiar anchovy. Head Condoms are specially lubricated for your kissing pleasure. Get them where you see the entwined tongue logo or your nearest street corner drug dealer.

Then of course there would be oral disinfectants, nasal washes (as this is where the viruses lodge) Tongue protectors - in various colours.
To avoid the hazards of this latest health risk we might apply a whole new line of thinking on the kissing thing though. What about nuzzling instead? Low health risk, and a big turn on if done right. As is the tongue in the ear. Sales of cotton buds would soar (note to self: take up share option in Johnson & Johnson). Maybe the answer would be to stand around necking, just kissing necks sort of thing whilst feeling up the other party's genitalia. This would take the mind off the loss of the tongue wrestling and focus the mind in a Zen kind of way. It would also give you a good stiffy and sticky fingers. Sure, all this could really catch on.

Perhaps we could revert to a more primitive behaviour. For example, dogs smell each others butts. Maybe we could try that for a while, though sitting at the back of a cinema doing it might cause certain complications and necessitate some pre-composed snappy excuses for when you are ejected from the auditorium. "Look we were just saying hello, alright?". Maybe not.
I guess we're just going to have to live dangerously in that case. I can't see any teenager being warned off kissing because some old gob has said it's dangerous. It's no more dangerous than it ever was. So grab it now kids and lovers whilst you can, 'cos when you get older, people start going 'Bleaaagh! Gross' when they see you doing it. Just that thought is a deterrant in itself.

There's a commercial on British TV that shows an older couple playing tongue hockey. Its a commercial for denture fixing compound. That's put me off the idea for ever. Good Luck!

Link: http://wwwbullshitnews.co.uk/Home.html

It's an interesting time for paleontologists. The Stones are touring and the word is that Eric, Ginge and Jack are about to reform Cream for another set of shows. But let's be frank, these guys are the creme de la tomato soup of rock and make as good music now as they ever did.
A while back there were nauseating little journo' hacks just out of short pants saying "When are guys like these going to hang up their wawa pedals?" Well hopefully never. That's like saying, "Hey Muddy, aren't you a bit old for the blues?" To which the answer would undoubtedly be something involving a muther and sexual travel. It just goes to show that quality will out as can be witnessed at this years Grammy awards with U2 pulling in the plaudits for their album 'How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb!' (by the way, how do you do that?) sweeping the board with five awards including best album. Okay so in the past, I've had a go at Bono on Bullshit News but then he is a bit of a caricature of himself with the big hair and the perma-shades and an ego the size of an iceberg [see the id metaphor] and one of them calls himself Edge - presumeably because he's tense and bad tempered. But all in all, they are a quality band still going after 30 years.

I'd personally like to see the reformation of many more old bands and see what they come up with. I'm not talking about bands like The Dave Clark Five per se, for whom the song Glad All Over, a song about feeling glad all over has new meanings which light up the eyes of Gladys Puckle who mans the salad bar. No, what I mean is, wouldn't it be great to see bands like Zeppelin and Sabbath and The Kinks get it on again. Albeit that some bands would need new blood to replace those lost to time and the needle - of which Eric Clapton was thankfully nearly but not actually one. It just shows how much talent was lost to drugs. That must make us take note. It won't but it should.

It would be great, for example, to do a part reform of The Beatles substituting John and George with their offspring Julian Lennon and Dhani Harrison. That would in some respects preserve the integrity of the past, perhaps Paul McCartney's musical son could be involved there too - Stella could whip up Camel & Llama sandwiches for them during the session. They are all talented and Julian sounds so like his dad - which I guess must irk him some at times - however! Crosby, Stills and Nash (& Young) still get together. Dave Crosby was one of those who nearly finished himself off but thankfully pulled back from the brink. It would be fun to see The Osmonds reform for some sort of schmaltsy show, the Jacksons too complete with as many of the old bits of Michael that surgery hasn't destroyed. The Brotherhood of Man could.... forget it. Bob Dylan could reform himself and start writing meaningful protest songs like "I just can't get good rates on my millions". Aah, life would be great!