Alleged pop singer and total dufus Pete Doherty (he really puts the "Doh" in Doherty) was in court yesterday pleading guilty for posessing heroine and cocaine. A plea of guilty was essential to maintain his pop icon status also arriving 1 hour late, cos' e' was up trippin' the night before. Oooh how pop starry.

Turns out he was caught when the police pulled him over for speeding (and cocaining, and heroining) in West London and they said "...he had a glazed look." What, like when he appeared at Live 8 and strangled a song with poor Elton John. Look Elton, you defended this clown when the truth is he's just crap! Apparently his supporters had been "persuaded" to turn up outside the court to give him the full star-in-court reception. You must have lots of sad wannabes there going "We love Pete Doherty..." and "Pete Doherty forever..." I don't think so, not if he keeps taking drugs at his present rate. Of course it all turns into a bloody shambles. Hey, great name for a band! He'll get the same fame status as Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, 'Dead Junkie, sang a bit!' With everything going for him, this guy is a total loser. He had Kate Moss - no I mean, he actually had her, alright she's not as young as she was, still Kate Moss eh - and he had a promising career as a pop icon. Meanwhile he decides to try to re-invent Bob Dylan - too late mate a guy called Bob Dylan already did that. Seems he wants to die in a blaze of pop publicity. What so he can sit up there on cloud looking down saying, "....oooh wasn't I loved. Yes dear, you always are after you're dead!

BARRYMORE... OR LESS
Just when it seemed it was safe to go back into the water, Big Brother contestant and former entertainer, Michael Barrymore is again under scrutiny and facing possible private prosecution over the death of 31 year old Stuart Lubbock who drowned in his pool in 2001. He was later discovered to have internal injuries it seems, from having something shoved into his basement area, and we're talking inanimate objects here. The private prosecution will cover six charges amongst which will be drunk and disorderly behaviour (in his own home?), possession of class A drugs and supplying class A drugs and assault on Mr Lubbock.

One must therefore presume that there are witnesses to the assault and that Mr Barrymore's DNA was found on the deceased. Well that would be of little surprise as events happened at Mr Barrymore's Mansion (as the tabloids might call it). So it therefore implies that something of Mr Barrymore was found inside Mr Lubbock in a place that other beers don't reach. Now that means that either Mr Barrymore, a self confessed homosexual, is built like a horse and managed to injure Mr Lubbock or that some large foreign object was used on him after a visit from Mr Barrymore or possibly prior though if he was unconscious, though there would be little need unless it was malicious, as the muscles would have been relaxed enough to accept anything up to the size of a tea cup (an expert told me). It gets more interesting (and seedy) the more you think about it. It raises certain questions.
So was Mr Lubbock, father of two daughters, out of his skull and taking it up the rear when he was unconscious. Why was he out of his skull. Why was he at a gay party?

Lets see. Well of course, it stands to reason, Mr Barrymore, himself drunk, decides he wants to end his career which has payed him millions of pounds a year and decides the best way to do this is to force drugs on this father of two who turns up at his party for what, to talk about the future of his children? Thereafter he decides he wants sex with him and so even though Mr Lubbock is out of his head, it requires the insertion of a small thermos flask first and then a quick drowning in his pool. It is afterall just the sort of thing a celebrity would do. Well either that is close to the truth or it is impossible to be sure what happened at all. We shall see what the evidence says. Still it does raise some interesting questions but you can be sure that the jackals are circling Mr Barrymore and ready to relieve him of as much of his money as they can. A transcript of the case will of course make essential reading... awight!

We're amazed to hear that Jade Goody - that well known famous celebrity and former contestant of Channel 4's Big Brother (don't knock it she made a reputed 2 mill' last year) - has split yet again with her former lover Jeff Brazier, father of her children, with whom she had split the first time and then got back together with again - am I making any sense - anyway it's all off again and she's back with Ryan Amoo with whom she split... god I'm losing the will to live! It's not that so much that we're amazed to hear. It's that anyone would even want to be with that lard arsed, loud mouthed, thick, course lump of woman. Let's face it, even if the looks didn't turn your stomach, having to listen to it sounding off noon and night would be a total turn off. We're not saying she hasn't got good qualities - though her stock in trade seems to be mouthing off with a volley of bad language, a real potty mouth - it's just that she keeps them deeply hidden, probably below layer on layer of flab. I mean, imagine that sitting on your face! Ugh, it's too early in the day to contemplate... no matter what time of day it is. But just imagine, you go to sleep having got pissed enough to shag her in the first place and then you wake the following morning with a bit of a thick head and memory loss and turn over and there staring you in the face is Miss Piggy's arse. Uuuuuhhhhh!


And just what are her kids going to be like with her as a role model; foul mouthed insensitive yobs? Watch that space! As astounding as that image is hearing how she has gone into the beauty industry with her own beauty salon. Alright it is appropriately named "Uglies". Talk about taking the piss! Hang on though, could it be that old Jade is not that dumb after all, thick yes but perhaps she's really a canny business women.... naaaah!

The Liberal Democrats leader has resigned. Phew wot a scorcher! We thought he'd never go. Yes the designated driver of the third party has finally bowed to pressure and done the sensible thing, he's handed back the keys of the Liberal bus. Well better that than getting pissed and running it over a cliff. There was always the possibility that he'd have to be dragged kicking and slurring from the house. This way a certain amount of dignity is retained and with the weekend still young he can go home, kick his feet up and chug back a quart of Malt and be back at work on Monday.


Meanwhile in a galaxy - well not far, far away just far away...
"Just in the nick of time Cap'n Kirk. That's one Klingon I thought we'd never be rid of."

"Aye Scotty; It's a pity he went bad, there was such promise. Mr Sulu set a new course for the planet Scotia. That I suspect is where we'll find his replacement."
"Another Scotty perhaps cap'n."

"No Scotty, that would be too confusing. No, there we'll encounter the formidable Ming. A force to be reckoned with no hint of an accent and just the right amount of peat in his veins."


"Aye Cap'n, that's what I meant sort of."
"Oh I see Scotty. Yes you're right. It must be a Scot. Say Scotty, that'll make a change, Ming saving planet earth for a change."

"If you say so Cap'n."
"Scotty you've got no sense of humour."

"Aye Cap'n."